Description:  Is it a generation gap when a daughter feels her single mom is not equipped to give relationship advice?

My cousin Betty has a daughter named Janice. Janice is twenty-five years old; she recently graduated from college approximately six months ago with a Bachelor’s degree in Business Management. Betty is my first cousin, which means Janice is my second cousin. Between graduating from high school until the time Janice made the decision to go to college, at the age of twenty, she spent two years finding herself; her words exactly. Betty allowed Janice the space to find herself without any input whatsoever from her. At the end of that two-year period, Betty could see her daughter was proudly strutting a new attitude wearing an invisible crown engraved with the words, “I am a grown ass lady”. In the words of Betty, “my daughter was wearing her crown well”. Betty felt her daughter’s new attitude and bold actions clearly implied that she had found herself. Janice was telling the world and her mama, “I don’t need no one telling me what to do, when to do it, or how to do it.” So, Betty stayed out of her daughter’s way by allowing life to become her daughter’s greatest teacher.

Three months after Janice started college, things began to shift between her and Betty. They became the best of friends. I’m thinking, in my prospective, the shift in their relationship changed because, by way of the grapevine, Janice was allegedly dating an older guy, who possibility attended the same college, around the same time Betty’s relationship of ten years ended. So therefore, I concluded that Janice new beau is the cause of her new attitude. And I say this because, Janice stopped hanging out with her friends from high school once she started college. Also, at this time, is when Janice begins to speak often about their immaturity. Janice would say, “her high school friends only substance in life was drinking, partying, and fighting”. I doubt if this new revelation came to Janice during the two years, she was laying on her mama’s couch finding herself.

Now on the flip side; you know there is always a flip side. Unbeknown to Janice, Betty was flirting with a younger guy around the same time Janice found herself. I believe the reason Betty decided to allow life to become her daughter’s greatest teacher is because she was stroking the ego of a guy ten years younger than herself. Betty and her forty-year-old guy friend were hot and heavy for about six months. She could not stop talking about him in an explicit way before he went back to his ex. As previously stated, Janice had no knowledge about her mama’s relationship with a man ten years younger. Janice moved out of her mother’s house two years after starting college. Therefore, the only relationship Janice had knowledge of, besides her dad, was the ten-year relationship her mom had with an older guy.  Betty has always been a gorgeous young-looking lady with a beautiful figure. So, her dating a younger man, at the age of fifty was no surprise to me. Especially when her ten-year relationship ended become her older guy kids took over his estate due to his Alzheimer’s disease. So, it was understandable that she would date someone younger. Although, the relationship with the younger guy only lasted for six months, it softens Betty in a youthful good way. She changed her attire and her perspective on many life issues. My cousin was singing a new song.

Janice and her mom would often go shopping together. They would go out once a week to dinner. Janice begins to confide in her mom about her dating relationship. Betty would hold her opinion whenever Janice confided in her. She would allow her daughter to freely speak without judgement. Betty never asked any questions. After four years of dating Robert, Janice decided to share more personal information with her mom about who she was dating. Janice shared that she and Robert had been secretly living together for two years. This news brought clarity to Betty, as to why Janice never given her an invitation to her home. Also, it answered Betty’s question as to why Janice always suggests meeting at the restaurant when Betty would offer to pick her up. Betty mind was moving a mile per minute as Janice was talking; But, as hard as it was, she allowed her daughter to freely talk by listening without interrupting her. Let me tell you, when Janice stated that her boyfriend was forty-two, and is a single father of a seven-year-old son, that she proudly announced, she is helping her man to raise. Betty jaw hit the floor.

Betty asked her daughter how long she dated Robert before moving in with him. According to Janice, she started dating Robert at the start of her enrollment in college, and she moved in with him at the end of her sophomore year, which is when Janice moved out of her mom’s home. How did you meet Robert, Betty asked. This question allowed Janice the freedom to have girl to girl talk. Janice was thinking her mom was in girlfriend mode at this moment. Little did she know her mom had transformed into mommy knows best mode. Janice explained to her mother that Robert was the academic counselor she met with prior to selecting her courses during the enrollment period in college. Janice goes on to talk about or brag about how Robert has been working at the college for nine years as an academic counselor and as the assistant director of the financial aid department. She tells her mom; Robert job is the reason she had to keep their relationship a secret and now that she has graduated, she is allowed to invite family to visit the home she share with Robert. Janice further expresses to her mother that she needs to continue to keep her relationship with Robert private from her friends. Janice proudly declared that her and Robert have put together a five-year planned for their future. They will get married in five years and in the meantime, she is to start her business management company helping entrepreneurs set up their business. And by no means is she allowed to get pregnant until she and Robert have been married for at least year. Also, Janice expresses it is her responsibility to care for Robert’s son.  

After Janice paused from talking about her and Robert future; Betty did not waste any time diving in with her opinion. Betty straight out tells Janice that she believes Robert is manipulating her and is using her youthfulness for his gain and convenient. Before Betty could verbally complete her thoughts, Janice jumps up from the table and proceeded to cuss out her mother, calling her mom a hater and a miserable old lady that cannot keep a man. Janice tells her mom that she was jealous of her youthfulness and of her perfect relationship with Robert, and that she doesn’t want to see her happy. Janice slowly walks out the restaurant while yelling back at her mom, “you are not equipped to give me relationship advice considering that you are without a man and hasn’t been successful in a relationship.”

Betty called me crying after she arrived home from the restaurant. For the first time I was speechless. Whew child, that was a lot to take in. How do one give uplifting advice after that? The only advice I had for Betty is to allow life to be her daughter’s greatest teacher.

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