How do one know better when one hasn’t been taught better?

Let’s talk about it…

Bobby is a fifty-year-old man-child who can’t seem to get over his mother telling him through-out his childhood “You should know better”. Many incidents in his life have trigger this time in his childhood, causing it to remain a fresh wound in his side. Bobby wants to marry the love of his life Leona; however, his fiancé has postponed the wedding several times due to Bobby inability to deal with his childhood trauma. Bobby is ten years Leona senior. They have been dating for five years and engaged for two years. Bobby has never been in relationship with a woman who can woo him the way Leona does. He wants the fellows to know she is off the market and belong only to him.

Leona loves Bobby and wants to spend forever with him. She is concern about his lack in common sense and judgement. She finds herself talking to him in the same manner as her ten-year-old son from a previous relationship. She asked Bobby to join with her in getting counseling by a license professional. Bobby is hesitant but agreed. Leona used her resources at the clinic where she works to find a husband-and-wife duo who are both licensed psychologists. She wanted to make sure her and Bobby both feels heard, understood, and validated. Leona finds a husband-and-wife duo who has been privately counseling couples for over ten years. Each of the duo works separately with a mental health organization. Leona reads the duo’s bio to Bobby, for his consent before scheduling an appointment.

Bobby and Leona arrive twenty minutes prior to their appointment time. They were called into the office ten minutes after completing and signing all documents in the new patient packet. As they enter the room, the duo psychologists were sitting in matching chairs that faced a long couch. Both doctors stood to greet Bobby and Leona before asking them to have a sit on the couch. Each of the duo’s took five minutes to introduce themselves and give a brief statement of their medical history and credentials. The husband duo goes by the name of Dr. G; his wife goes by the name of Dr. Greenwood. Dr. G explains how each counseling sessions would go as far as formality. He states, because today’s session is only a consultation, they are meeting to hear from each separately on why they feel counseling is needed. Dr. G asked Bobby, why was he seeking counseling? As Bobby paused to think about the question and put his thoughts together, Leona started to speak for him. Dr. Greenwood interrupted Leona expressing in a very politic way, Bobby has a voice; allow him to use it. Bobby was surprised that statement came from Dr. Greenwood instead of her husband; but was happy she spoke up because Leona always steps in to talk for him without his consent. Bobby clears his throat before speaking. “Well, my initial reason for coming to counseling is because Leona suggested it as a stipulation to us getting marry. After she read each of your bios to me, I realized you both may be able to help us with some issues we are having. I love Leona very much and want to be with her forever. However, there is times she talks to me like I am her son. When she does this, it triggers hurtful memories of my mother making me feel less than adequate.” “Thank you for sharing, Bobby, states Dr. G. We will explore your triggers in counseling. Our goal is to help you use tools that lessen the effect and power of the triggers.” Bobby nods his head in agreement with Dr. “G.” Dr. Greenwood asked Leona her reason for counseling. “Leona states, I have one son. I do not want to feel like I am marrying my son. I must always think for Bobby or guide him like a child. I want him to take the initiative and lead with wisdom.” Leona, do you love Bobby asked Dr. Greenwood. “Yes, I love him very much.” Dr. G thank each of them for coming and sharing their need for counseling.  He expressed how counseling will benefit them both. He suggested that they counsel with him and his wife once a week for one hour per counseling session. Bobby and Leona agreed with Dr. G. The doctors’ assistant was called into the office to escort Bobby and Leona to the receptionist desk to set up their weekly counseling sessions.

One week from the date of the consultation, Bobby and Leona are sitting in front of Dr. G and his wife to begin their counseling. Dr. G opens the counseling session by asking Bobby what happen in his childhood that causes him to become trigger. “Well, Dr. G, states Bobby, I was raised by a single mother who did not have any living relatives other than an aunt. My father died when I was four years old. My mother never re-married. As her only child, my mother placed a great deal of responsibilities on me starting at the age of ten. She took me to the local store in our small hometown in Mississippi to work. Every day before and after school, I would clean the store, stack the shelves, help the customers and run errands for one dollar a day. Back in those days a dollar was a lot of money. The store owner paid me once a week. Many times, I would have to purchase goods from the store with a list given to me by my mother. I had the responsibility of making sure the owner gives me the correct balance owed to me after subtracting the cost of the goods from my pay. Each week, my mother would yell at me because the owner would cheat me out of a quarter or two. My mother would say, “you should know better”, you are the man of the house and should know when someone is cheating you.” Dr. G asked Bobby did he receive a receipt from the store owner? Also, did he know the cost of the items purchased? “Bobby replied to Dr. G question: no, I did not know the cost of the items purchased. There was no label on the food items or the shelves listing the cost. The owner would ring up each item purchased by a customer before telling them the total amount due. The cash registered was old; it never had receipt paper.” “How did you feel after your mother would yell at you, asked Dr. G.” “I would feel bad for not knowing I was being cheated, as well as, for not having the courage to ask the store owner for the total cost so I can use the arithmetic I was learning in school to figure out the balance owed to me. I feared the owner would fire me if I questioned him. My mother and I ready needed the food items and money I made at the store. As I grew into a teenager, my mother would yell at me for coming home late from the store because I would hang out with my friends after work. She would yell if I did not properly repaired things around the house. She would always say I should know better. I did not know how to please my mother. I felt like, I was a big disappointment to my mother for not knowing better.” “At what age did you leave home, asked Dr. G.” “I couldn’t wait to leave home at the age of eighteen. I enlisted in the army on my eighteenth birthday. Two months after enlisting I was living on base in North Carolina.” “Bobby, do you know the highest grade level your mother completed, asked Dr. G”. “I’m not sure. I do know she did not finish high school. I would hear my aunt and mother talking about working at the age of twelve cleaning people houses. My mother was a self-made seamstress. This is how she made money until the day she died.” “Bobby, what I am about to say is not to make light of how you felt based on what you experience. Also, I am not making an excuse for your mother’s actions. Given your mother’s level of education, I believe your perception of her choice of words combined with the tone she used did not match what she was expressing. People from the South who lived in small towns, articulated themselves using phrases and words that were defined to have a different meaning, in the dictionary, from how they used the word or phrase to express a situation or incident. I believe your mother was expressing her hurt for you not having your father to teach you. Given the level of education, her expression came out as “you should know better”. I believe her heart was crying out, your father should have been there to teach you better. I do not believe your mother felt her ten-year-old son was to automatically have the knowledge and wisdom to be all knowing. Although, your dad was not living at the time, it does not prevent your mother for being angry at him for leaving her to raise a son without the skills to teach you how to be a man. In essence, your mother was lashing out at your father without realizing how it was affecting you.” “What you are saying Dr. G makes sense. My mother told me on her death bed that she was proud of me. She said that no one taught me how to be a man; but nonetheless, I walked in a man’s shoes from an early age:  And, I had done an outstanding job without a teacher. What you just stated has given me clarity to the words my mother spoken on her death bed. Thank you, Dr. G.,”

“Having Bobby go first in the counseling session was to shine light on the potential issue that could be the root cause of the problem you two are having in your relationship, states Dr. Greenwood.” The doctor explained that it difficult for a man to put what he is feeling into words especially when the woman goes first and the man must listen to what he proceeds as negative talk against him. The woman usually gets more clarity when she listens to the man speaks first. “Tell me Leona, how do you feel about what Bobby said?” “Well, what he said has provided clarity on the triggers. I now realize that I am a contributor to his triggers. I talk to him the same way I talk to my son. I often tell them both “they should know better”; without taking into consideration, how can they know better if they haven’t been taught better. This session has opened my eyes. I now realized; I haven’t taken any time with my son teaching him to do the things I expect him to know to do. Also, I haven’t talk to him about what is morally right and what is morally wrong; yet I expect him to automatically know. I would often say to him and Bobby, why did you do that; you should know better. I think as parents, we think common sense is to make up for our lack in teaching or training our kids; especially our boys when there is no man in the home. As a nurturer by nature, there is this instinct that kicks in for a woman when she gives birth to a child. I think this gives women an upper hand on common sense that we automatic expects from a man.” Leona, you are on the right track states Dr. Greenwood. Communication is the key in both scenarios with your son and with Bobby. It’s not just about communicating, but how you communicate. Always remember to communicate in the same manner you would like for someone to speak to you. The tone would determine if the listener would open the door to what you are saying and learn from it or close the door because the content is too harshly delivered. “I understand Dr. Greenwood. Thank you so much.” Next week we will discuss the change using the tools we have given to you both states Dr. G

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