Why do I wavier in faith when it comes to believing for self?

Let’s talk about it…

Cindy is excited about meeting with her spiritual mother for lunch. Cindy never knew her birth mother. She was adopted when she was ten years old. Cindy loves and respects her adopted mother, Janice. Janice is not a religious or spiritual person. She believes in God but doesn’t read her bible or pray. While in foster care, Cindy’s social worker became like a mother figure to her.  Cindy was placed in three foster homes before being placed with Janice. In order to help Cindy cope with life as a foster child, her social worker Dorothy would read bible stories to her during their visit together. Sometimes, Dorothy would talk to Cindy about God and his love for her. She wanted Cindy to know that although she left without family and placed into foster homes, she was not ever alone, because God was always with her. Dorothy was happy when Cindy was adopted by Janice and her husband. Janice could see that Cindy had a special bond with Dorothy. Janice encourages the relationship because she knew it meant a lot to Cindy. Also, Janice felt secure in knowing that she had someone who knows and understands Cindy and is willing to assist in any capacity of her life.

At the age of eighteen, Cindy decided she wanted to start attending church but was not sure what type of church based on religious denomination or doctrine. Each week, Cindy would go to a different church to see if she could find one that she felt comfortable in attending on a weekly basis. After several weeks of attending many different churches, she finds a non-denomination church whose doctrine is faith-based Christianity. Cindy was very excited about her new church. She invited Dorothy to attend with her one Sunday. Dorothy enjoyed the service as much as Cindy did. Dorothy would often attend with Cindy. Out of respect for her adopted mother Janice, Cindy understood her declining an invite to attend church; therefore, she did not pressure her to attend. After completing the new members classes, Cindy was encouraged by the instructor to attend the Adult Sunday school so that she could learn about praying. Cindy had informed the instructor on the last day of class that she did not know how to pray or when to pray.

In Adult Sunday school, Cindy learns that prayer is one form of Communion with God. It’s having an intimate fellowship or rapport through communication with God. Cindy learns that prayer can be done as an individual in private; or, it can be done publicly with a group. She also learns the different types of prayers, which are; Adoration, Confession, Supplication, Intercession, and Thanksgiving. Cindy was elated that the instructor gave examples of each. The instructor informs her that in Daniel 4:34, King Nebuchandnezzar blessed God with a prayer of Adoration for God’s mercy in blessing him (King Nebuchandnezzar) in returning to his right mind. Also, the bible shows in 1 John1:9; if we confess (pray) our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. In 1 Timothy 2:1-3; the Apostle Paul declares to Timothy, “I exhort therefore, that, first of all Supplications, Prayers, Intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men. For Kings and for all that are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior.  James 5:15; teaches the intercession prayer of faith shall save the sick. Philippians 4:6; teaches “Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” Now that Cindy has full understanding of the types of prayers, she was taught how to pray. The instructor informed Cindy to not pray with iniquity in her heart; because as stated in Psalm 66:18; the Lord will not hear her. However, if she prays with purity of heart; God will attend to the voice of her prayer as stated in Psalm 66:19. Also, she was instructed to believe in her heart as stated in Matthew 21:22; “And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing you shall receive.” Cindy learns that prayer has to be done in Jesus Christ name, as declared by Christ in John 14:13; “And whatsoever you shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” Lastly, Cindy learns that if she asks anything according to God’s will; he will hear as stated in 1 John 5:14. The next morning, Cindy took what she had learned about praying and decided to pray her first prayer. Cindy was told that she can pray either Standing with her Hands uplifted towards heaven, Kneeling, Sitting, or Bowing. Cindy was filled with Adoration so she decided to kneel. She took three deep breathes as she collects her thoughts; feeling relaxed she begin to pray.

Heavenly Father, thank you for waking me up this morning in sound and sane mind after enduring horrific moments as a foster child. Thank you for sending people into my life to teach and show me love and guide me with wisdom. Father God, I ask in the name of your Son and my Savior Jesus Christ that you forgive me for my known and unknown sins. I pray that my adopted mother Janice trouble heart be healed so that her heart is open to seeing your glory and trusting in your love in hope that one day she may be saved. Father, lead me not into temptation; deliver me from all evil; as I grow in your word let your will be done on earth in my life as it is in heaven. For the power and the glory is yours now and forever. Amen

Cindy could see the growth in herself the more she attended church and read the bible. She would pray daily. Cindy joined the Intercessory prayer group at church. She loved how God use her to help others through prayer. Being an intercessor, Cindy witnesses the power of prayer. She witnesses people being cure from incurable illness. She witnesses money coming from unexpected places to save people from evictions and hunger. Cindy feels she is living a blessed fulfilled life; however, at the age of twenty-two, she wants to experience having intimate love; a boyfriend with the purpose of one day getting marry. After having a little more freedom, at the age of eighteen to current, Guys would approach Cindy but she would deter them by not engaging in long conversations or showing any interest in getting to know them better. Cindy has never had a boyfriend or any close girlfriends she can ask personal questions about dating. She decided to ask Dorothy for suggestions on what to do. Dorothy tells Cindy that intimacy is a natural feeling that will guide her as she experiences it. However, she advised Cindy to pray for the type of mate she wants and for the wisdom to discern when someone is in her life for the right reasons or just to fool around with her emotions then leave. Dorothy suggested that Cindy write down what she is looking for in a mate; so that she can be pacific in her prayer. Following Dorothy’s advice; Cindy writes a letter to God.

Dear God, thank you for hearing and answering all the intercessory prayers I made on behalf of others; and thank you for your unconditional love that has protect me, feed me, healed me, and clothed me. God in the name of Jesus Christ, please allow someone special, who is looking for a wife to come into my life. I would love for this person to have the following characteristic traits. Someone who has a relationship with you or is building upon their relationship with you. Someone who is gentle in demeanor towards ladies; yet strong as a man in standards. Someone who is a provider; a protector; considerate; uplifting. Someone who makes me laugh and is fun to be with. Oh yeah God, please allow him to be at least five feet ten inches or taller. God, thank you for hearing and answering my prayer.”

On Cindy’s twenty-third birthday, she did not want to celebrate. She rejected Dorothy as well as many people from the church offer to celebrate her birthday. Cindy is not responding to anyone calls because she is feeling depressed about not having her prayer answer after nearly a year of praying. Dorothy made an unannounced visit to Cindy’s home after her birthday passes without anyone hearing from her. Although it was in the middle of the day, Cindy was in bed with her pajamas on and her hair tired up. Dorothy had to ring the doorbell several times as well as bang on the door with her fist. Cindy finally opens the door after hearing Dorothy shouts; she is going to have the police do a welfare check on her if she doesn’t open the door. Cindy abruptly opens the door with a frown on her face. Dorothy pushes her way in Cindy’s house without saying a word. After having a seat on the couch, she asks Cindy what is going on. Why are you hiding out in your home and not talking to anyone in your friend circle? I thought your birthday would be an elated eventful day for you. You normally look forward to celebrating the happy occasion. Cindy stares at Dorothy with tears in her eyes. “Why Dorothy, why?” “Why what asked Dorothy.” “Why haven’t God answer my prayer for a mate? I have been part of the intercessory prayer group at the church for years. You know, I am always on my kneels praying for others or standing at the church altar praying with parishioners. I have watch God perform miracles in people lives because of prayers on their behalf. Yet, he has not answered my personal prayer. What have I done wrong?”  “Cindy, you haven’t done anything wrong in the formation of prayer. After taking classes on praying, you have master how to pray. The only difference I see is when it comes to praying for others you have an unwavering faith that is must larger than mustard seed faith. However, when it comes to praying for yourself, you go through the formation of prayer but your heart is lacking faith. You know God is capable of giving you what you want. You just don’t believe he will give it to you. Something inside your heart is blocking you from believing in the same manner as you believe for others. Let’s talk about this.” “You are correct in your observation Dorothy. I often think about my childhood and wonder why I was left at the hospital by my birth mother. I think about the three abusive foster homes I lived in before being moved to my adopted mother home. I think about not having any friends as I was a child. As a child you would often tell me that God loves me and that although I was left without family and placed into foster homes, I was not ever alone, because God was always with me. It’s difficult for me to see that God was always with me when I went through so many horrific things especially when I did nothing wrong to desire those things that happen to me. These thoughts make it difficult for me to believe God will answer my prayer about something that will bring me joy. How do I get these thoughts out my head so that I can believe in the same manner that I believe for others?”

“Cindy, you need to go back to the begin of the bible in the book of Genesis. Reading the book of Genesis would help you to understand that it was not God’s will for any of us to experience evil or bad things. But, because of disobedient, man was exposed to the knowledge of evil. Having being exposed to the knowledge of evil, gave man a choice to choose evil or good. Sin entering into the world is due to man’s choice of choosing evil over good. God did not create us to be puppets on a string. He gave us free will in our thoughts and decision making. Because sin separates us from God who is without sin and is good and only good. We have to atone for our sins in order to be in the presence of a good God. Genesis teaches us that by one man; the first man Adam; everyone is born in sin; therefore, in order to be in the presence of good we must all atone for sin by one man Christ. Believing in Jesus Christ is how we atone for sin. Faith is believing. Therefore, we must understand that bad things that happen in our life is because of people who made bad decisions in choosing evil over good. God’s love for us helps us to survive through horrific events in our life. No one born in sin is exempt from experiencing bad things happening in life. Our relationship through faith in Christ is what’s going to help us navigate in life with victory over evil. You have to believe that God loves you, in spite of any horrific experiences you may have experience in life. You have to believe that the good, God created in Genesis before sin enter into the world is what he wants for you. Once you get this concept into your heart, you will not be held in bondage by your past circumstances; thinking that God doesn’t love you or is not with you because you have experienced some horrific moments in life. Knowing that God loves you and wants the best for you will help in having faith in your heart. I encourage you to go back on your knees and pray with faith in your heart.”

Cindy was grateful for her godmother’s wisdom. After having the conversation with her godmother, Cindy felt like a heavy weight was lifted off her spirit. Following the advice of her godmother, Cindy’s heart was open and filled with faith when she re-prayed about a mate. Six months after praying, Cindy met her husband, Daniel. Two years after meeting Daniel, Cindy and Daniel consummated their relationship in marriage.  

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